my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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