I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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