I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
