you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
