Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
