Fine. I'll sleep in my office
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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