Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
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It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
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Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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