I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
