When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
