im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
