how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
