I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
