Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
