I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
