I wanna bring you to show and tell
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
