pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Randomize
