drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
