When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
