She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
