Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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