There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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