I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
