What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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