Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
