Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Randomize
