So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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