I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
