I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
