Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
