all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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