I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
