dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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