Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
