Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
