How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
