and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
