He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
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you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
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my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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