She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
