shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
