i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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