Where are you?
In a non slutty way
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
