i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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