so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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