I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
