she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i just had sex bonerless
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
