I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
