Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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