Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Dicks are not precious.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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