If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm gonna fight the coyote
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
