Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
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And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
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We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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