I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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