oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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