I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
