I'm going to jail i love you
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
