they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
