it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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